i think i shouldnt start making friends at my age anymore. because at this age, people are scheming. when i say people, i am including myself too. people in school do not really have a friendship. its a system based on exchange. say, if you want to find out some information from me by sending an sms, i will evaulate to see if you have anything that i might want from you at this time or in the future or do i owe you a favour. if the answers yes to any of the above, i will send a reply to what you need. but if its no. then i will think about and at my own free will, i will reply. then you will get upset if you think you were friends because its quite sad when you ask your friend for help and you dont get a reply but if you got nothing to exchange for the piece of info, then at least you feel better when your schoolmate doesnt reply right. so i think school should be like that. dont talk about relationship, just work. i think it makes people feel better. yah. i am like that too. i always answer calls and messsges at my own time but i would like to think also that i sometimes go the extra mile to help my schoolmate. yah. i think i dont make friends here. actually i somewhat like the exchange idea. because when you make friends, you take a large part of yourself and give it to other people and when you realise that people dont think the way you do, that large part breaks and you become upset, so whats the point? right. the point is, to not to get hurt, its best to keep yourself on your own. its much easier to exchange than to give. i mean why do people at christmas parties always have to say, gift exchange instead of giving gifts, because its difficult and its your loss if you give and you dont get back. but then we forget all about the fundamental of its better to give than to receive. hey. you make a child give a gift of his own to someone, will he be happier than when he receives one from you? heys, i am sorry to have to be like that but thats they sad fact of life. its really sad. but thats true. but giving is sometimes to me a good thing. i like giving. i like giving time to people who need it, i like giving money to people who needs it. yah. but i dont like making friends. i think i should just concentrate on keeping some of the precious people around me rather than spending too much time trying to find someone that i can call friend. i told myself that i will be fortunate enough if when i die, i got a couple of friends whos going to cry for me. not many. about three. or four. that will be good enough. why do i need a whole lot of people to cry at my funeral when they dont take time to come to know me. i took time. but then when people dont appreciate its another thing. bleh.

my best friend is fiction. i think its quite sad. but at the same time, i know that i will not get hurt by someone whos not there yet i can find comfort in knowing that i have a best friend. i like fiction sometimes. but i think i like non fiction more actually. like non fiction is real. its not intangible. theres touch and theres feelings.

but i still like life. and i am fine. its not like i am going to die anytime soon. its just my day to day sort of ranting.

but life is beautiful.

you ask me why i like school so much. because there are people that i look up to. and i like learning from them and they are really nice, and they take time off to help you in the work you do and that they spend time talking to you and its really amazing. it wasnt really like this in crescent and its strange but its a nice kind of strange and i wanna be an educator too. i want to spend time nurturing young minds, helping them become better people like how a lecturer taught me and its very amazing how one small man can influence a student to want to be better. thats what education is all about i feel. its not just about completion but about process and thats what i learnt in st marg too. i like school. period.

but i like school holidays more. its about school too right.

i sorta miss exams. hahas.

its my holidays from today.

to ian. the perks of being old.

yeah.